Flow

So happy with my life right now.

Power People

My boss is a pathetic person her family walk all over her and she has to do what she is told, because without her family she has not a thing.
Shitty day at work i make money for an ungrateful person, she belives she has power over me because she pays my wages, so in some way she does and i am fine with that,
But to treat that person like she is dirt just is not right.
My co worker another power control freak and arse licker also belives she has power over me.
For some time lets say a year I have let these people get to me and bcome very ill with depression and anixty attack.
Losing all my saving because it was to painful to go to work, my loss of weight became an ishue for then and i was getting called skinny anerexic.
After going through hell my co worker starts doing stuff to get me in the bad books with the boss.
She my co worker is a 300 pound women and has eyes that do not blink and i see nothing but a stone cold stare, like she is dead inside.
I have over come all my problems of being bulled at work with the help of drugs a good friend and kickboxing.
The whole pattern has started again even though i let them have all the power they want, this is ot good enough, they want me missarbe.
I will not be that person for them.
They may be large and over bearing but a wise women said to me do not make them large in your life because I am seated way up high in gods plan for me.
I struggle ive stolen and had sex cheated sworn all the bad things that god sees as wrong, i am human and far from perfect.
But the one thing I am not is a bully, Which to me is the worst thing anyone could be.
They made me want to take my own life at one time things got that bad.
Now they are just blops of lard.
I am not the worlds greatest speller as you can see, but I do not want to correct my mistakes or polish this draft.
So there it is crazy or not, I rise above and forget the lot.
I

World of mine

I is just me , Zuma too.
Others come and go but me and zuma live strong.
We all fell down i became what they wanted me to be.
I ran but faced my fears.
Broken hart Frisco is dead, i loved him then but wish I could of loved him so much more.
I am not the same they think i am.
Dare to touch my hair you fat fat thing.
The angry girl is tucked down inside but spite lives on.
They have gone and who is left does it matter. Live one second.
Breath i do not care for anyone else.
Friends just people that need a rock i will not be.
Friscos gone it will never be the same.
Just zuma and I.
We live or we die.

Getting To Europe

I have been noticed that I have stopped blogging.
Well now I am back I guess because I am not happy right now.
I truly do not understand the meaness of some people.
I am told to love everyone but not everyone wants my love.
I have not been to work all week sick off it right now ,just staying alone in my house with my Kitty cats. I see there life they are just as bored as me and long to run free.
Move back to my Parents house the have miles of grass lots of trees my cats would be free.
So what of me base home Suffolk and train to Paris. Germany I have never seen.
Drinking ozzo in Grease puking on the street sun burnt face wonderful food.
How comes I had no clue how happy I was with my friends overseas.
Stopped short life ends LA is a jail for me.
Why dont I leave. I am a coward you see.
Too scared to go back dont have the money for three. Scared that when I get to England, Ive made a mistake.
So I am here for 2009 lets just save money and try to enjoy my friends and family thats here for now.
I have it all here but still I am sad.
Told not to travel for fear of never getting back.
My mind is blowing up with my thoughts.
What happened to that girl in her shorts at the beach. So far out of reach.
So I am back to my blogging stuck in my own retreat.
I feel I am doing some thing horrible wrong

Blue and White

I take the blue and white, what happened nothing just normal.
The last thing I wanted was to feel normal, wheres my days missed my head jerked from the clouds.
Moron brain sitting paralyzed, the blue and white no more tears or crazy rants, melting down, just to laugh it out.
I wanted spaced head not leveled brain. I feel like Ive been cheated I am off to the Doctors again.

Bad Again

I lost my way today the flags all flew read.
I sat calm but my actions were full of hate, I enjoyed it for a while being rude and mean, my mind and heart did not match.
Black is back the shadows thick. The clouds are large. full of rain.
I will not live this way no matter what is said and done.
We hurt each other.
So shut away close down the world. I am so truly lost.
My heart is small like a flea jumping around waiting to be be killed.
Down down that wicked road.
Myself is who I run away from, but I always catch up.
I will shut down my mouth never talk.
I am lost.
I say get up push it away where did that girl go yesterday.
Ashamed. Fight on punch through, bow my head dislike myself.
It s all about me. Why?
Tear out my hair.

Mauy Thai

Hit, kick, punch, fight. Never give up, hold your head high.
Never let anyone smash your dreams. You may get beaten but always stand up. Respect the fighter. Move on.
Guts blood push through.
Lesson in life no matter how many times I get kicked down or punched in the face.
Rest assured I will always gets back on my feet to live a fresh new day.
The clouds may come the storms on its way.
Ill have my baby just not today.
Love it, fighting back.
Stiff upper lip.
My heart can be black. but its only a shadow. The love I have yet to give is huge and Red.
Gloves on new fight, new Love.
Peace to my friends full of Love for those who try and crush me.
I may be small but Mauy Thai makes me huge.
Love Love, Love You back.

End Week

It begins again, no plans not said, just the same old thoughts inside my head.
I have come to believe that there are people in this world that just don'T matter, this person is me.
I live I breath. I dont help care for look after anyone, anything but my cats.They also are trapped in my world just being. waiting for food or for me to play with them.
I work in a cage locked up for 8 hours talking to people I dont even know chit chat about the weather a pimple on their nose. Or what product will make their skin glow.
Pointless rubbish how does it help.
I shop at the weekend buy my food travel in my car around and around, always driving back to my house.
I long to share my life my woes and my self.
I have never felt so trapped in a place as LA.
I look on the map London to France your there in an hour and a half. Zoom on the train. Spain is around the corner.
What"s hear is hear what's THERE is everything wide open travel places people, many who I love. Some who I have not loved yet they are waiting for me.
The end week is here and there is just little old me.
Left again for what, not this.

Love Lost Love Now

I read your emails, Im happy again, will we breed.
Do you still love me, I think I love you. So confused now there is two.
Your the man from the past I left you last.
The man who"s now was my past back then. Why do I just switch between you two.
Blair my bear you were always there you are back writing with out a care.
I think I love the good times we had. So confused.
You might have a girlfriend, I hope you don"t. I want you back lets have kids.
I have tried LA its lonely here I have no friends a man that just wants hole.
Just let me know I will try again.
You had such nicknames for me no one did. I have cried every night my heart is mashed.
I don'T want to think or breath. I don'T have a voice at work at play.
There"s no one around to love me today.
Blair Bear my swedish delight I cried and I cried. My heart bleeds itS WORSE now I know you are there.
Telling me there is even less hair.
September will come what happens then Lost Love or new love around I go.
Make a Swedish Baby.

Letter to Blair Bear

Just could not stop thinking about you Blair tonight.
Is it the rain that affects my brain, all the days in Scotland so unhappy and depressed.
Where you the man who I loved best.
I sent you an email its been five years, I don't understand why I did that today.
So scared you will write back all angry with me.
Say if your married your wife gets all mad.
Did I do something so very bad?
I look at your photo and think about the great times we spent together.
I think they were the best. I did not know that then.
I wanted more a big old house, money, the sun and everything else.
I did not stick with you through bad times like I said.
For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, I just took off when we hit worse.
I was your wife I let you down, We said we would meet 2008 Brighton Pier New Years Eve.
I wish I had gone but I sat all alone.
Did you go?
Was I wrong?
I think I still love you now.
Will you come back second time round.
Wow Blair Bear with no hair.

The Weekend

The weekends gone over and done its back to the boring job all week to numb.
I tried hard to be sweet all happy today but all I got was an oil change, you had nothing to say.
I said I was sad I missed my Mum. All you cared about was eating your burger bun.
I ate fries a big burger too, but I ran El Porto. What did you do? You said you would call and lets hang out, but I don"t really want you at all.
There once was hope a baby for me you would be the Dad,I would be free. One big happy family traveling around, I look I look your not to be found.
My friends say give up your a big waste of time.
Maybe it"s just PMS I feel down today.
What makes me happy I hear you say. I don"t have any answers, just hating myself today.

Love

We all want to be loved, to feel love, to give love.
I love to get home late and my cats just want kisses and cuddles. They stare at me taking a bath waiting for their time with me for play.
I will get them a big garden one day for them to run around little Zuma has never climbed a tree.
My faith is refreshed the house by the sea, Manhattan Beach is the place for me.
My business below my house on top everyone coming into my shop.
I"ll feed them with love hope and joy.
Love is the way I want it today.
Nice to know I have R and T so wise on my team.
Im happy for that.
I love that.

Tea

I drunk the tea tonight. I am scared what will happen now.
The bubbling has started,

Flew

The day flew by, everything changed. I have given up on the whole of LA.
The green green fields call my name.
Even Tim's gone home today.
Twenty years he has had enough.
We all go back where we were once from.
Sad.

Starving

Starving for God, starving for faith, starving for Love ,starving for hate.
Starving for you starving for me.
When do I get to eat?

NUmb

Numb it pill it calm it down.
Slowly going mental when no ones around.
Alone in my head its empty and dead.
The pub;s and clubs I was alive dancing prancing drinking galaw.
Dress up nice painted face music pounding loving the place.
I want to go back Ive lost that girl I liked her all scared but so very prepared
The beat of the music just stamping your feet, kissing everyone you meet.
I love you your great flashing lights in my face.
The warmth in my body I can"t stand up straight.
Your rushing so much you dont take a break.
Heart thumping Alive raving was great.
Just wanna scream bored now an old.
Nothing to do but laundry to fold.

William

Theres a whole life back home I do not know.
So much love warmth cuddles. Sisters; Brothers' dogs and cats.
I long to wake up in my parents house to have breakfast there its been five years.
Mum so warm Dad so strong, here it comes Ive done it all wrong.
I close my eyes I see my Mum my Dads asleep in the chair. My sister with the kids.
How I wish I could just fly home a kiss a cake a cup of tea. Thats what I need.
To scared again to jack it in grow strong go home full of faith. LA for me is just about mistakes.

By Polar

I have come to terms with the fact everyone I meet is by polar.
Not me of course I consider my actions of massive hights and lows just part of everyday life.
I look for a man who will balance me out kind hearted and gentle, not a man whos always ready to fight.
So tired of trying I am getting myself out.
I am happy today maybe manic yesterday. How do you know if you are happy without the terrible lows.
My family my friends I wish you were more.
But how to feel sad and get what I need.
What is it we are all searching for are we just looking to die.
I am happy to be alive I will live my life to the extreme no where in between

Wait no more

Hey your life is not for me. How can you love when you do not even see.
The clouds clear the sun comes out you want me near. Used for sex how are you so sick.
I never learn I trust and trust when really you should be out of my life.
I am sick of myself so stupid and scared, how dare you just dissapear.
If I saw you know I want to punch your face your wicked unclean.
Off you go just suit yourself I want be waiting on the shelf.
I will pop a pill to calm me down it really helps when you are not around.
I hate you today and all the week.
Your gone for real this is the day.
You need to think are you and Ricky gay.
Alone all night together in the day how do you stand to be with him all the way.
Who am I the slut behind your exsuse to prove you are a man.
The scerets out your sick so sick.
Go play with your own little dick.

Where should I be

They all go back to the Land and the sea; everyone is leaving here without me.
They see their future I see just me . Oh where oh where should I be.
I will go to the house by the sea there is the little house waiting for me. I will polish and clean it. you know its just for me.
But when do I go do I just wait and see. They go this year I am alone with my fear. The big Bro goes next in over a year. Whats left is a women without any fear no one to feed and tickle her ear.
Its back to where I traveled once from. What did I do but just run from the gun was it all for me did I even have fun.
The memories the feeling is not what Ive got. I am scared to leave with whatever I had.
It was never enough it was never what said. You just left me for dead.